Blizzard announces new "realism" patch

| Friday, May 20, 2011
Responding to years of complaints from paying subscribers, Blizzard has finally taken action. Patch 4.3 is being internally, and thanks to my big mouth, externally, labeled as the "realism" patch.

The circulating memo about the patch, which is for the most part incredibly boring, includes this interesting tidbit:
It is our initiative as innovators in this important and growing field to take the opportunity to tap into new customer bases and secure existing customers by means of henceforth adopting the initiative known as Realism, in which we try to more accurately model the interactions of real life through this groundbreaking virtual setting.
Okay, I admit it, that part was still boring. Something about memos makes everything sound boring.

Essentially what they are aiming for is realism. You know, that word I keep using. Realism. Not to be confused with Real Sim, a life-size replica of a Sim of your choice, made by my sponsor Real Sims Inc. Yes, that's the company who runs giant banner ads along the sides of my blog, which you cheap jerks have been blocking with your fancy adblocks and popupblocks and buildingblocks. I'd be rich by now if you'd just click the damn links. Did you know my commission per sale is actually more than the sale cost of the model? It's true. They are pretty damn desperate for customers.

But to get to the point: mages, get ready to cry. First off, you're no longer vending machines. No really, you should be crying, because if you at least could conjure food, you'd still be useful. All your spells are gone. Including your many highly-desirable buffs. I'm kidding about the buffs part; they're still being removed, they're just not "highly desirable." If it's any consolation, warlocks are pretty much entirely screwed. Not only do you lose all spells and demons, but you will never hold elected office in the United States. That goes double for you foreigners.

On a similar line, priests can no longer heal, buff, or shield. And the armor benefit of your robes is now zero. Also, shaman totems no longer have any effect. Druids cannot shapeshift. Death knights are being removed as an available class. Paladins will be merged with warriors, who will no longer be able to use rage as a power source for damage and will instead slowly run around, heavily encumbered by their armor.

Rogues cannot stealth within line of sight of targets.

Hunters will no longer have autoshot or combat pets. However players might as well figure it out now: they're going to be the only worthwhile class anymore. So huntards, rejoice. Everyone else, welcome to the planet of the apes.

I try to avoid these sorts of predictions, but I predict that this patch is going to kill WoW. That earlier something-hundred-thousand figure from Cataclysm? Drop in the bucket compared to this. Folks, we're seeing history in the making. This is on par with IBM ignoring software to sell computers or Napolean being a great military leader/demagogue and joining France, when as a Coriscan he had options, OPTIONS! And he threw it all away. He could have led Italy! Okay no, bad plan, they make France look like Germany. Spain! Spain conquered South America with nothing but a few greedy sociopaths and an entire continent of natives for whom they were the perceived lesser of two evils compared to the Aztecs. Or maybe Incas. Mayans? No, they were gone long before. Right? Who cares, the point is, Napolean should have joined Spain. They knew how to do the ruthless empire thing.

My point is this: I forgot my point.

In unrelated news, Blizzard announces a "realism" patch.


Shannara said...

Haha a late april fools .. smooth

Hyperian said...

RIFT is getting alot of press about it being "more real" in terms of enviroment and character look, and even though i rock 50+ fps and a low latency, the characters arent any more real than wow. In fact out Unless by "real" they mean more human looking... to which i question whether or not they realize they are playing as fantasy game; and its full of Elfs... Dwarfs... Trolls and Orcs. These type of games arent supposed to mimick reality in every detail.... I already play "Real life... the real game" When i log on i dont want another nagging wife, or micro managing boss...or the pesky need to sleep. Just some good ole bloodlust and enemies to kill.

Andrei said...

Napoleon did just fine in France. His only mistake was to invade Russia ... and he had options. In Blizzard case it looks like Cataclysm will their invasion of Russia.

TheGrumpyElf said...

I guess that means the whole patch is one huge Hunter buff. I am so excited.

I do think you missed the part about removing mounts and lowering walk speed by 1000 percent.

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