Apple, I used to think you weren't really, really stupid

iTunes is pretty neat. I like the store, though I'm too cheap for it these days so I just listen to the same songs I did five years ago.

My iPod Touch is pretty awesome. I love it. The iPhone looks cool.

Your computers are pretty, if pricy.

Your OS is a solid piece of work that for years (decades?) was leagues ahead of the absolute garbage that Microsoft produced.

The iPad is awesome.

But I didn't bring you here today to praise your impressive line of software and hardware. No, I brought you here today about this email address: akleps@earthlink.net

Does that mean anything to you? Anything at all? Here, let's try this. We'll open iTunes and try to play a song. What, not authorized? Okay fine, I have reformatted my computer and stuffed the hard drive in a totally different box. Even Microsoft got confused by this and demanded the same reauthorization of their cutting-edge and expensive Windows XP operating system, since it looks like a new computer, which I suppose it is. So fine, I will authorize my computer to play my legally purchased music.

You tell me it is linked to that email. Right. Well let's see... password... Not ringing a bell. Let's try a few that I know I've used before. Not that one. Or that one. Ditto on that one. Hm. Weird, since those last two were the previous and current ones I used for your app store on my awesome iPod.

Fine, password retrieval. Obviously the email send won't work since I wouldn't remember the password for an email that I haven't used in how many years. But I can answer some questions instead. Alright, birth date. Month, day. You think it's wrong? Let's try that again, maybe the intertubes mixed it up. Still no. Ooh, let's try reversing it, like maybe it wasn't Name of Month and Number of Day, but Number of Month and Number of Day so perhaps I have that backward so I can just switch them and... no. Maybe I had the month off by one? Day? How the hell doy ou not remember my birthday? I wrote it down for you!

Wait a minute... iPod. App Store. iPod that can still play all of my music. What happens if I use my App Store email and password?

Yep, that worked.

Let's go back to something before. akleps@earthlink.net Does that mean anything to you? Not a damn thing, right? Yea, I thought so. That email, that supposed Apple ID, does not mean a damn thing. So why the fuck are you telling me to log in with that?

Apple, that's just plain stupid. User experience is your thing. Seamless experience and all that jazz. Please no literal jazz, I don't enjoy it. So why, WHY, would you tell me to log in with the WRONG ACCOUNT THAT DOES NOT EVEN EXIST!?

While we're at it, stop asking me to update iTunes every single time it opens, even after I check "do not ask me again."

At least it worked, so now I don't need to pirate the songs that you attempted to steal from me. Jackasses.