Starcraft is trying to convince me to meet a girl and get married

| Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I'd done a bit of 1v1 with a couple of my friends, mostly for fun and games, with us sometimes trying out ideas with varying success. But 2v2, that would require us to go... online. Into that sinister and frightening world with with other people. People who might very well decide to brutally crush me with devastating crushingness. I was afraid. I didn't want to ruin their rankings.

For context, in the 1v1s we'd done before that day (Sunday) I'd spent about 50% of my time swearing at the keyboard. M doesn't build marines in SC2, but it does in Brood Wars. Guess which game I've played more. So yea, I had some serious problems with failure to produce marines. MMMMMMMMMMMM. Nothing? Uh... oh. A. I made it worse when I declared that A would make more sense for marauders, at which point I then started trying to use A to produce marauders, resulting in a whole lot of very very slowly produced marines coming out of barracks with tech labs. The other 50% of my time was spent weeping in despair. The rounded out .1% was spent being accidentally brilliant.

1v1 is very hard. But 2v2, that's easy! As Terran-Terran we went up against a Protoss-Zerg team. My friend focused on ground armies: infantry and tanks, while I went for the more expensive, and micro-intensive, air units, mostly banshees, or all banshees plus one raven. So she did all the charging in to her death while I got to be an obnoxious ass with banshee harassment. Pew pew pew pew, cloak and leave, pew pew pew pew, cloak and leave, repeat until victory. And a few of my helions took out an expansion (undefended).

I can do micro. I can tell units precisely where to go. I know a million little tricks. Or I figure them out quickly. I can become hyper-detail-oriented and at that time, it's pretty useful to tell units precisely which pixel to attack from. So give me the banshees and reapers and siege tanks at just the right range. Speaking of siege tanks, when we did a 1v1 and my macro fell apart completely (remember the M spam?), I found myself trapped on some island in the corner, surrounded by turrets and marines. So I did the only sensible thing: built siege tanks and blew up everything that got too close. Then I used vikings to trick the AI into chasing me back to my anti-air. I still lost, but I was very smart about my inevitable defeat!

My friend managed all the constant production and giant armies to keep track of, while I did the little movements that wrecked the enemy economy. It worked pretty damn well. Both enemies ended up bottled up and losing battles of attrition (and battles of distraction). Eventually a giant ground force rolled in and with heavy air support, smashed their lines and got to work on their main bases. It was over, and would have been even if they hadn't recognized it and surrendered.

Another game as Terran-Zerg against Protoss-Zerg went somewhat similarly. I made a lot more marines, in hopes of using some sort of medivac drop strat with gradually more and more air support, but that got too complex and suffered a setback when my first drop attempt flew right over the main enemy attacking force. So much for my good micro. But it made for a hell of a distraction, allowing my ally to get in place and wreck them. I went back to banshee harassment and ruined the protoss economy. Soon after a few vikings took out a zerg expansion and were in the process of destroying another while my zerg ally smashed through the protoss and zerg armies and was in position to destroy the zerg base. He left the game, followed soon after by the protoss. Another glorious victory.

A second person provides synergy, even if theoretically they are the same (as in the terran-terran game). The mental capabilities can fit together, stronger than alone. Obviously I should apply this same logic to my life, which means getting married. Hopefully to someone who understands my need to harass people.

Since my friends got tired of listening to my many excuses for my crushing defeat, I offer them to you.
The monitors at my friends' house are too low.
The keyboards are a different shape and height.
Chairs are different.
Build order isn't the same as SC1.
Factories cost 50 minerals less, delaying my construction of them.
SC1 doesn't have addons for barracks.
Corinthians specifically, metaphorically says that zergling rushes, and also base walling, are both abominations in the eyes of the Lord.
Fast game speed makes me cry.

In unrelated news, I should get a screenshot of it, from the replay that we hopefully still have, of an ultralisk group trying to get up my ramp, but with the front one blocking the rest. Meanwhile the front one wasn't able to AoE because a lone marine was standing a little bit down the ramp, and so this one total badass tanked the first ultralisk to at least 50% of its health (medivacs are pretty handy when only one units takes and damage at all). Earlier an SCV had bravely been mixed up with a reaper and sent to distract a baneling group. Failing to leap off the ramp in time, he instead drew half the banelings to a premature detonation. As a result, only one marine died, rather than most of the defenders. That brave, brave SCV. I could have sworn he was a reaper... But that would explain his failure to jump off the ramp when ordered.

P.S.I've ordered my own copy of SC2 and within a week or two I expect to have a newerish computer that can run it, thanks to the previously mentioned friends giving me one of their old computers. Let's all clap for them, since a newerish computer means more content, meaning putting off the day when I finally shut up.

P.P.S. Technically Starcraft isn't making any suggestions on male or female, and my state does allow civil unions, but I'm just a bit too sexist against men to marry one.


Dwism said...

"Listen here girl"
"yea troll-shaman?"
"Let's get married!!"
"Oh? What on earth gave you that Idea?"
"I got the idea from this game.. in space, killing aliens and harassing other people"
"... I see"

Go for it! Anyone who agrees based on this, is a keeper.

Hyperian said...

I raided with my wife for the first time ever last night. After a particularly harsh fight against Cho'gall she took a nasty hit and died. We killed him a few seconds after and without missing a beat she looks at me and says "WTF healer..... do your freaking job"

I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to chuck my mouse at her or kiss her.... either way it was hilarious. But thats relationships for you... sometimes they require a team full of Ghosts with stealth and guile... and others... Hardened Reapers blowing this shit out of everything (no pun intended haha)

Sthenno said...

I'm convinced Ultralisks are awful. They take up so much space and get distracted too easily.

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