If there's one thing everyone can agree on, it is that the economy is not doing well. In response, Obama has proposed another set of sweeping economic changes which have been decried by both left and right as "pandering to big business, deconstructing the social safety net, and slaughtering orphans for little economic gain" and/or "government overreach." The package of changes is constructed in an effort to gain bipartisan support and focuses on stimulating consumer demand without addressing any underlying issues.
First in the list is a ban on exchanging larger denominations of currency for smaller denominations or assisting in such exchanges. The stated purpose is to "make people stop asking if anyone can 'break a five' for the vending machine and instead buy something for change, for a change."
Take a Penny, Leave a Penny trays which economists have found to be critical to small-value purchases, will be scaled up. The Treasury will offer 0.01% interest loans to newspaper companies and charities in order to allow a transition to Take a Dollar, Leave a Dollar trays. President Obama has hailed this program as "the best idea since pretending there wasn't a partisan divide", citing a predicted 5% increase in consumer activity and a long-term $15 reduction in the federal deficit due to interest collection.
The proposed five thousand amendments include the following:
- Replacing heating subsidies with a reverse-flow, taking heating oil from the poor to act as a buffer to the strained Strategic Petroleum Reserve.
- Downsizing federally-supported public libraries and raising revenues with charged-entry book-burnings.
- Monthly limit of five minutes on how long Representative Weiner can shout at Congress.
- Ten billion dollars in additional tax breaks for weatherizing the entire Midwest.
- A ban on printing five thousand copies of five thousand pages of amendments that no one reads anyway and just reject on party-line votes.
- Comfier cots if we're going to have to keep staying up like this.
Thus concludeth Blaugust 2015
1 hour ago