The Shocking Family History of Anthony Weiner

It's not unusual to find that a family has changed its name since coming to America. Some do it to leave the past behind. Some have their names changed by immigration officials. Some change their names to avoid the latest fad in ethnic hatred.

I suspect my family was the second, but it could also be that we're more German than we think. But speaking of secret Germans: Anthony Weiner.

Once upon a time his family went by a common German name: Weimar, which is German for "German equivalent of smith". Then came the world wars, in which Germany took on the entire world, more-or-less single-handed*, but lost, due to not being America. In the process Germans became a little tiny bit unpopular in America, or perhaps a little tiny bit more so, considering Prohibition was partially driven by a desire to crush the Irish and German populations in America. Under these circumstances, the name Weimar was not a good one to have. Less so when Germany became known as the impressively incompetent (and mention economically oppressed) Weimar Republic, which gave us the face of hyperinflation (more media-savvy than Zimbabwe). So his family did the only sensible thing: changed its named to Weinar.

All might have been okay, but it appears that a prankster at the Department of Giving Ethnics Less Ethnic Names (DoGELEN (pronounced D-o-gellen, not dog-ellen)) decided to go one step further and change the name to Weiner. Since they still didn't speak English, they were unable to see the different between e and a, and did not question the change. It helped that at the time, while not many or for very long, there were still some German-Americans being interned during WWII.

He got the name Anthony after his equally-not-English-speaking parents (equal to his grandparents) mistakenly thought that Italians were not discriminated against.

D all this, he managed to rise to a fairly important political office, did some quality shouting, and then threw it all away by tweeting his penis, which sounds like a euphemism for something much worse. It just goes to show, Benjamin Franklin was right when he said,

“Why should Pennsylvania … become a Colony of aliens, who will shortly be so numerous as to Germanize us, instead of our Anglifying them, and will never adopt our language or customs, any more than they can acquire our complexion?”

*Austria hardly counts and whatever gains Japan gave for the Axis powers were lost by pulling the US into the war directly. Hence the now-corrupted phrase: "don't mess with Hawaii."

In related news, Texas Representative Ron Paul is refusing examination by doctors to confirm if he is actually 105 year old Ayn Rand.

"In 1776 a group of colonies assaulted the crown and were defeated"

Since it looks like America and its attempt at freedom and other nouns is coming to an end, I wonder what the history books would have looked like if it had never quite started. Something as simple as a lack of French support could have doomed our attempted revolution. With no navy and inferior land troops, what could the colonies have done?

On one hand, the end of the British Empire may have been inevitable. But I don't think it was inevitable at the time. The world wars ended the empires of France, Germany, and Britain (and some other places that are too lame to name), far after the American revolution. And who knows what a captive American colony could have done during that time to change future history. Can you imagine a World War I with Germany knowing that America would be against it? Only in hind sight does an American-British alliance seem anything close to inevitable.

Earlier American intervention might have made a difference. Or, continued control of American resources might have made Britain powerful enough to prevent war in the first place.

But this assumes a lot. It assumes that America would have been quite as badass under the crown rather than against it. I suspect this is not the case. Rebellion, and weakness, fuel innovation. We were a weak nation, something which we cannot quite grasp today, but the War of 1812 certainly proves my point. So we had to do more, and faster, than any other country, just to survive. Somehow we carried that a bit further and became the most powerful nation in the world. I do think that Britain with control of the American colonies, or whatever we'd be by then, would still be the most powerful country in the world, but not by so much.

beyond national psychology, there is politics and diplomacy. Would the Louisiana Purchase have happened under British rule? While the crown may have been eager to buy the land, would France have sold it? Almost certainly not! The sale was a great deal for France and America, giving is needed land, giving them money, and as a bonus for France, strengthening a potential rival of Britain. Maybe a Britain that didn't lose the colonies could have conquered the land instead, but I suspect the sale was a lot cheaper. Such a war may have cost both sides too much, leading to an even stronger Prussian/German state, which could have contested French continental supremacy, and next thing you know all of European history is completely re-written, though I predict it would still end with a failed invasion of Russia. But maybe being unable to sell Louisiana would have forced France into peace sooner, preventing the invasion of Russia, and depriving Hitler of that important historical lesson which he ignored anyway because he was an arrogant racist (redundant?), so really nothing changes.

On a side note, I do not believe that anyone has successfully invaded Russia or Canada. Obviously this should make us worried about a potentially invincible Axis of Cold Places. To make it even worse, neither country speaks English.

Without the Louisiana Purchase, or with it at a high military cost, would the Americans (with all the alternative history, and my lack of time travel, I've decided to go with the third person) have been able to beat up Mexico repeatedly for land? And without that land, would America have had enough worthless desert to send natives to starve to death before inventing gambling? The entire presidency of Andrew Jackson could have been nullified.

What would a stronger Mexico have done? My guess is, been marginally less horrible, but it would not have been the savior and/or destroyer of the world.

It would have been a scarier Soviet Union growing out of Russia, still in control of Alaska. Would Canada have fallen? I do not know, but know this, any history in which Canada is not free to be Canadian is not a history that I want to see. And Sarah Palin would have been a communist and had a totally hot Russian accent, unlike whatever the hell that is.

I do hope that by the time this post goes up our representatives will have worked out something. My vote is for a all the sane people to lock the Tea Party members in a basement storage room, hold the votes, and then let them out when we're done governing and can go back to screaming incoherently at each other. If not, well then there's one day before life gets more interesting than I'd like.

What's the point of a historical game if I can't break history?

I noticed that Civilization has, obviously, a fairly big and extensive WWII mod. I mean, what game doesn't? Did you know Cataclysm was originally going to revolve around Caverns of Time sending us to fight Hitler? Yep. All that got watered down to a few quests in Uldum.

So anyway, the mod has three historical options. One is to directly follow the war declarations, so no war until the game says so, but same with peace. Then there is a similar system, but the dates are slightly randomized: think error bars around the actual date. Finally there's open play: do whatever you want.

I went for the third option. Initially I tried Norway, then Sweden, in failed attempts to create a unified Scandanavia. But then the Soviets and Germans did they best to pretend I was Poland. I put up a good fight, but I knew it was a doomed battle.

I tried again with Italy. It was all going okay, spreading east across southern Europe to gain some space to work with. All great. I totally did better than the real Italy. Then I made the mistake of picking a fight with Poland, who in this alternate history had not gotten steamrolled by Germany and the USSR, leaving it capable of causing a whole lot of trouble.

Finally I found the solution: Germany. Specifically, Germany that converts to democracy, a system of government I learned from the subjugated Czechs. Or maybe the Slovaks. Then I became friends with the French by working together to invade Belgium.

But for the most part we're focused on peaceful scientific development.

Why?

You know who led Germany on a massive world war?

Hitler.

Belgium, be very afraid.

If you're not reading this post, be even more afraid, because you don't know what's coming.

Here's the timeline:
Congress attempts to raise the debt cap.

Rand Paul filibusters to stand by his principles.

America collapses seconds later as angry Chinese investors foreclose our government.

With no government to pay or organize them, American troops in Europe cease spending any time at all prepared for battle and instead focus on getting drunk and harassing German barmaids.

In imitation of notable Italian womanizer Silvio Berlusconi, a womanizer rises in France to seize all power.

With nothing to stop them, the new French Pansy Party, known as Panzis, invade Algeria, war which they very slowly win due to a combination of incredibly awful tactics but incredibly awesome weapons. Seeking seeking to unify all French-speaking people, Belgium is invaded.

Britain responds by giving carefully-worded speeches which are so polite that the French interpret them as encouragement.

French forces invade Germany under a historical mandate to "neutralize Prussia", swiftly defeating the Germans whose own army and security forces are tied up dealing with thousands of heavily armed and very intoxicated former American soldiers.

Turning traitor, US Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano leads the French army through eastern Europe toward Russia, invading and swiftly crushing any resistance. Then the French army freezes to death in the winter (technically summer, based on the tilt of the Earth) and is forced to retreat.

Meanwhile for no clear reason Italy invades nearby Croatia, quickly winning with no casualties. However they soon retreat, declaring it a "waste of a Sunday afternoon".


TL;DR: Libertarians are going to cause World War III. This fits well with my theory that the Tea Party is actually a front organization for Islamic terrorists.

You may think this is crazy, that the French are pacifist wimps who cannot wage war at all. Basic historical knowledge would indicate that the French love nothing more than bombing helpless enemies. They're a ruthless, bloodthirsty people. Be afraid.

WoW needs historians

When the Cataclysm comes, will we know what was before? Will a new player buy the expansion and never know that Desolace was a barren, demon-scarred land, the graveyard of the kodos? Will they know that we had to save the world already from the Scourge? Will they ever see pictures of the blighted lands and horrific armies? Will they know the dangers we faced entering Stratholme to purge it a second time?

I know it sounds silly, but I do feel as if we have been part of history. It has been human history of a sort and to lose it, I feel like that would be losing part of ourselves. If we cannot show other players what we experienced, can we entirely show them who we are? I know that my play is still shaped by the past.

Will new players know of an age when only warriors tanked? There were no badges, no heroics, only 5-mans with extremely rare epics. Would they believe if we said that we once had resist sets and they couldn't even be made purely through crafting? Would they understand looting hounds?

Will they have heard of the massive gathering of resources for the most recent war against the Qiraji and their Old God master? Will they know that a fire lord threatened the world once before and we had to beat him back? Will they care that we once flew in a frozen wasteland to save life itself?

Is it all going to be lost? I used to think not, after all, we could so easily reenact the events. It wouldn't be perfect, but we could show someone the Barrens and Azshara and Desolace. After the Cataclysm, all that will be left is the screenshots we took and the ideas in our heads. The new stories won't advance the plot, they will drive out the old. A new generation will grow in WoW which will not know of what came before, they will think it was always as it is.